I have observed one thing about me. time and again i get obsessed over something or the other. I get so obsessed over it to the point that I start despising myself, people in my life and the circumstances for that. there comes a time when I start considering me as a failure. somewhere down the line I eventually give it up. And then somehow I get that thing when i totally forget that I had wanted it in the first place.
It was fine until these were insignificant things. But now as I am growing older, it is happening with the things that make me feel insecure about myself or make me lose confidence in myself. I start identifying myself with this obsession of mine. it reaches to a point where I start feeling that if I don't achieve it than I am not deserving enough in this world.
These things are becoming more intense after my marriage.
Initially it was my hair. I have always had long hair in my adult life. Suddenly everyone started commenting that my hair is thinning and it became my life's mission to restore them to their old glory. I even gave in to people's suggestions and trimmed my hair multiple times because they said the ends are not good. I actually have never believed it. but I gave in. now when I thought my hair are getting better again the comments made me doubt myself. I got so much obsessed with length, until today I made a decision to just stop obsessing over it. Twice in my life I have grown my hair from shoulder length to classic length and that too without any special efforts. It means that it is there in my genes to have long strands, and they will reach that length. I have to just stop obsessing and let them grow.
Another thing was gold. It was this particular piece of jewelry that I had desperately wanted. Somehow it wasn't happening. At times I din have enough money and at times I dint get the desired pattern. i was becoming too much insecure about it. but finally I let go. I decided that the gold on my body doesnt define me. I let go. I made a plan to buy a particular thing for someone else in my life when I would have money and that I am actually satisfied with what i have. and suddenly when wasn't expecting it, I had the money too, got a perfect pattern that I wanted and only one piece of that item was remaining and I also gifted the item I wanted to gift. It was such an amazing feeling.
So now I know like this jewelry thing, all the other things will also work out when they are meant to be. It is not that I will stop wanting them. I of course want them to happen. but now I am not obsessed about that. i am satisfied and content with my current situation and absence of certain thing is my life doesn't define me. I accept that I fear that those things will never happen in my life. I accept and let go of that fear. I am content and I trust universes plan. I want them and i am open to receive them when the time is apt.
These things will definitely go into my vision board but I have decided to stop obsessing over them.
